Praying For Redemption
by Wendy A.S. Cole
Summary: Alone in his room, Sam prays to a certain angel. Warning: Contains spoilers for episodes 3.17 and 3.18. Please do not read unless you have seen these episodes.


A/N: Just a quick coda to episode 3.18. This was written quite early in the morning, so I do apologize for any glaring mistakes that I may have made.

* * *

Sam sat hunched over on the edge of his bed, his head hung low. His hair, surprisingly unkempt for someone who prided himself on being put together, hung around his face like a curtain. Ever since Gabriel left his thoughts had been in turmoil. If he were to be honest it wasn't just his thoughts. Even when Dean returned and he and Cas explained what happened while his brother was in the Apocalypse world, he hadn't been able to focus. Not entirely. He couldn't bring himself to care that it was only Dean who had come back, and not Mary or Jack, or Hell, even Ketch. When Dean said that Charlie had stayed as well, he had barely been able to wrap his mind around the name.

The only thing that had registered was when Dean asked about Gabriel's Grace. They had used it, given it back to the Archangel so that he could heal. It wasn't their right to keep it, no matter how much they may have needed it. It was Gabriel's, and the Archangel needed it so much more than they did. Yes, he would have healed in time without it, but with it he had been able to heal. He was able to find the strength to fight off the demons and kill his past tormentor. Sam wouldn't regret returning it to him. He refused to regret it.

Dean would make that difficult, though. The look on Dean's face when he heard the Grace was gone, given back to the angel, was one of betrayal. He was angry, livid, that they had done such a thing. That _he_ had done such a thing. That he had chosen Gabriel over him, their mother and Jack.

Sam couldn't deny that he had done just that. Seeing Gabriel alive when Ketch first brought him in had been a shock. At the time he was too stunned to react properly, and regretted it the moment that he brought up needing the Grace in front of the heavily damaged angel. The look of terror, the frightened sounds that he had made with his lips sewn shut was enough to turn his blood cold. He was amazed then when Gabriel permitted him to examine his wounds and remove the stitches.

Not that Gabriel had really tried to fight him then, or even show much of anything. He was almost catatonic as he sat on the chair in front of the hunter as he carefully clipped the stitches out. Sam wanted to comfort him, to make up for everything that had been done to him in some way, but he hadn't known how. The best he could do was speak gently, telling him it would be okay.

It was a relief when Cas returned to the bunker, though he had hoped it would have been with better news. Cas was angry that Dean had left without him. Although he had managed to put it aside for Gabriel's sake, Sam knew the Seraph was still angry with his older brother, and with him. He may not tell them of it, but he could see the quiet rage burning in his eyes.

Sam ran a hand through his hair and blew out a sigh, mind again going over the past day. Cas returning, telling him that he didn't think Gabriel remembered him, not being able to heal Gabriel, the frustration of having to stand there and watch him suffer, helpless to do anything to help him.

The idea that Gabriel didn't –couldn't – remember him was a heavy weight on his chest. They had only interacted with one another in such brief periods that it shouldn't have come as such a harsh blow. He knew that, but still Sam's heart ached when Cas first said that. When he saw the blank stare that Gabriel gave him, as though he were looking through him. That was why he was so relieved when Cas called him back to the room later on and he saw the Enochian writings on the walls. It was a sign that Gabriel wasn't gone, as Cas had theorized.

Raising his head slightly, Sam gazed at the black writing still on the walls around him. He couldn't read the words, but remembered well enough what Cas had told him. How Gabriel had faked his death, how he had escaped to Monte Carlo and shacked up with porn stars for who knew how long. How he was eventually captured and brought to Asmodeus. Fury blossomed in his chest, and were the demon not dead, he would gladly have gone out and killed him again and again for what he had put Gabriel through. No one deserved what had happened to him, least of all the fun loving Trickster who, in the end, tried to do the right thing and prevent the End of Days.

A faint smile ghosted across his face. ' _It would be hookers,_ ' he thought wryly. That just figured. It was so like the Trickster to do something like that. 'Porn Stars' as Gabriel had insisted they be called. To Sam there wasn't much of a difference. Not enough to warrant the distinction anyway. Huffing a laugh, he felt his eyes begin to burn and he swallowed, any trace of humor vanishing from his face. He hung his head again, fighting the tears that so desperately wanted to escape.

Not knowing what else to do, and figuring that even if it did no good at all it would still allow him the chance to ease some of the weight on his soul, he began to pray.

' _Gabriel… I don't know if you can hear me… or if you want to hear me. You probably don't, given how you left, but I just… God… When we thought you were dead… When I saw your wing marks burned into the ground of the diner, I think something in me died. It's strange, isn't it? That I felt that way? I guess I should start at the beginning… When we first met, back at that college, I felt something. I denied it of course, especially with Dean there, but I felt drawn to you. It didn't matter that you were a janitor, or that I would never see you again. I just knew that I wanted the chance to talk to you, properly, without Dean. I wanted the chance to get to know you, or… I don't know.'_

The hunter blew out another quiet sigh, not sure why he was doing this. He really did doubt that Gabriel was listening, and if he was that he would care about the hunter's pathetic crush. He continued on.

' _Then we found out you were our enemy, the reason we were there, a Trickster. Even so I didn't want to have to kill you. The people you were hurting, they weren't good people. I wanted to just leave, but I couldn't. Not with Dean, and Bobby. They wouldn't have understood. So we stopped you. Or we thought we did. For a month after, whenever I slept, I always saw you. Your face, your eyes. Same thing happened whenever I saw any damned candy.'_

Sam closed his eyes, the very same eyes flashing in his mind's eye.

' _Then we met again at the Mystery Spot. You were again our enemy, though I later understood what you were trying to do. I admit I hated you for it. I hated that you made me go through that. Made me go through losing Dean again and again, and for what? So I would be prepared for when he did eventually die for real? I didn't want to face that. I wasn't ready to face that, especially not by your doing. My silly crush remained though, and that made me hate myself even more than I hated you._

 _I was glad to be able to leave, my heart less burdened by how I felt toward you. Then came TV-land. Again you did everything you could to try to get me to hate you. I know that's not really why, but that's how it felt. Playing our roles indeed… I'm tired of these fucking roles. I'm tired of having my life decided for me. That's why we did this, Dean and I, and Cas. Team Free Will. We didn't want to play these roles anymore. We wanted to be able to create a world where we were able to choose our own destinies instead of following some terrible script._

 _That was when we learned who you really were, and tried to get you to join us. You refused, and I didn't blame you. I put myself in your shoes. If it was Dean, I wouldn't want to have to fight him either. I wouldn't want to have to kill my brother whom I loved so much. I couldn't. That was why, when we left, I vowed that we would find a way on our own. We wouldn't need to rely on you to save us.'_

Like so many of their plans, that hadn't worked out well at all. Sam felt the sting of tears again but he held them back. He didn't want to think about how badly they had failed. They had stopped the Apocalypse but at what cost? Metatron, and countless others. Was any of it worth it? He no longer knew.

' _Of course you ended up having to save us anyway. From the Pagans, from your friends. From Lucifer. You sacrificed everything for us, and we didn't deserve it. I didn't deserve it. When we left you at the diner I thought that my heart was going to explode. You were so powerful, so brave, so_ _ **bright**_ **.** _I knew I shouldn't have gone back later on, after it was all over. I knew as I walked toward the building that I shouldn't go in, shouldn't see what was inside. That I should just allow myself the hope that you were out there somewhere, back to playing tricks on people and living your life. But I went anyway, and when I saw your wings, I –"_

Sam's prayers cut off as he was no longer able to hold back the tears. A muffled sob escaped his lips and he dug his fingers into his thighs, his knuckles white. His shoulders shook, and it took several moments for him to be able to compose himself. All he wanted to do was curl up in a ball on the bed and cry, even though the loss that he was feeling was one that he had already mourned. After another moment he took a shuddering breath.

' _I think my heart died that day. At least a part of it did. I knew you didn't return my feelings, how could you? But still I knew that I had loved you, and with you gone, my heart with you. That was why, when I realized what I had to do, that I had to say yes to Lucifer, I was so willing. Even though a part of me felt like it was betraying you, betraying your sacrifice, I was_ _ **glad**_ _because it meant that I didn't have to live without you anymore._

 _Lucifer knew. I don't know how, maybe he read my mind, but when I got pulled into the Cage with him and Michael, he tormented me with you. He would transform into you and hurl insults and more at me. He would always be you, knowing that having you hate me, having you blame me for your death, was the fastest way to break me. I'd like to say that I held on as long as I could, but I can't. I crumbled to him. Hell, I blamed myself for your death as it was, so it was easy enough to believe that you would too._ '

The hunter could feel more tears trying to rise so he decided to skip ahead.

' _After I got my soul back I thought of you again. Deep down I prayed that you were still alive somewhere, that you were somehow still out there, but as the years went by I gave up hope. There's not a lot to hope for these days anyway. I gave up hope until that moment that Ketch pulled you in, that I saw you, alive and terrified and hurt, and then it all came rushing back. The guilt, the sorrow of your loss, the love… As soon as I realized that you were real all I wanted to do was run to you and hold you in my arms, to protect you and heal you. But we had been working for so long to try to save Mom that we still had to go through with the spell._

 _I was glad you know, when Dean went without me. I know I didn't act it, but I was. I wanted to stay with you. I wanted to be the one to be at your side. God, I can't believe some of the crap that crossed my mind when I was taking care of you. There were so many things I wanted to say, to do. When I first brought you to my room, again all that went through my mind was that I wanted to hold you. But you could barely even look at me, and you shied away when I moved too quickly. I couldn't blame you, but it still hurt, to see you so afraid of me._

 _It hurt even more when Cas said you didn't remember me. That he didn't think you were even there anymore. I wanted to cry, to scream, but I held myself together and just tried to help. I know I didn't do a very good job of it and I'm sorry. I'm sorry that I ended up berating you. I'm sorry that I got mad at you for things that you couldn't help. And I'm sorry that when you finally did speak to me all I wanted to do was kiss you. Most of all… I'm sorry that I didn't protect you. When_ _ **he**_ _came. I thought the wards would be enough, hoped they would be, but still he managed to get to you. When his demons grabbed you I knew what he was going to do, but there was nothing I could do to stop it. I was too weak._

 _He was going to kill us, and if not for you he would have. You saved us, and you were yourself again. You were brilliant, and even though you weren't quite the same as before, I've never seen anyone so beautiful. I was so glad when Asmodeus died, not because it was what he deserved, but because it was you who killed him. It was because you were strong enough to overcome what he did to you and make him pay._

 _But then… Then everything fell apart again. We should have waited. We shouldn't have told you everything so soon after you recovered. We shouldn't have pushed all of that on you and then asked you to again sacrifice yourself for us. Well, not literally, but you know what I mean. Cas and I… we should have been more patient, and given you time. But we were both just so fucking happy that you seemed all right that we forgot how badly you had been hurt. We just wanted to think about the future, and not the past._

 _That was wrong of us, and I'm so,_ _ **so**_ _sorry. I doubt you'll ever forgive us for trying to force you into this fight that's not your own. I can't blame you if you don't. I can't blame you if you stay away and never show your face to any of us again. But Gabriel… please know that I don't want you to fight. I don't want you to risk your life, not for us. All I want is for you to be safe, and for you to be happy. Even if we never see you again… If I never see you again… so long as I know you're safe, then it's all worth it._

 _I hope… that one day you can forgive me. Forgive me for failing you so badly. Forgive me for loving you when I have no right to do so. And… forgive me for what I said to you. Even if you can't, please, just don't hate me. I can bear knowing that you won't forgive me for any of that, but having you hate me is too much. It's just too much. Maybe one day we'll see each other again, but I won't hope for that. I can't let myself hope to see you again. If I did it would just be too painful to live only for the hope. I promise that I will find a way to stop this. To stop Michael, and Lucifer, and fix things. I don't know how, but I will. I promise that I will redeem myself. Anyway… I just hope… that you're okay. That you will be okay… Wherever you are… Please, take care of yourself, Gabriel….'_

Sam's head was lowered again, and he stared at the floor. He couldn't bring himself to look at the Enochian symbols any more. He knew if he did he would just start crying again, and he hated to cry. He hated feeling so weak and helpless. He stayed that way for several minutes, heart heavy, debating trying to get some sleep. He hadn't slept in over a day now, and his body was tired, but he knew that even if he tried, sleep would not come. He let his eyes slip shut and hung his head lower.

"I thought I already told you that they were porn stars."

The hunter's head snapped up, his eyes opening wide in disbelief. Gabriel stood before him some feet away, no longer wearing his prisoner's attire but a more familiar outfit with a very familiar looking jacket. He stared, speechless at the archangel, not believing his eyes that he was really there. That maybe he had fallen asleep and was now dreaming, or that his hallucinations had somehow returned to torment him with something he couldn't have. Slowly a smile crept onto the angel's face, his golden eyes shining.

"And I don't hate you," Gabriel added, his eyes locked with those of the hunter.

A sob reached Sam's ears, and only vaguely did he realize that it was his own. Before he could stop himself he flung himself off the edge of the bed and at the archangel, wrapping his arms around the smaller male, his entire body shaking. Gabriel tensed up only momentarily before relaxing and bringing his own arms up around the hunter.

"Looks like I can't leave you just yet," Gabriel whispered, and Sam held onto him tighter.


End file.
